Spice Up Your Sex Life With Cheese

From the Sunday May 11, 2008 edition of the British tabloid, The Sun:

Spice up sex with cheese

CHEESE can boost your sex life, help beat stress and act as a painkiller, experts claimed yesterday.

It contains natural chemical phenylethylamine (PEA) which releases endorphins ? or “happy hormones” ? into the body, says a British Cheese Association study.

Cheese has ten times more PEA than chocolate.

The study says “a matchbox-sized bit of cheese a day helps boost calcium intake and provides happy hormones”.

So, instead of buying your girlfriend Godiva chocolate, how about some lovely Gorgonzola?

The Dangers of Cheese

Cheese is a dangerous business. No, really!
From the BBC:

Dozens hurt in cheese roll race

Watch the races

A teenager who knocked himself out while chasing a Double Gloucester cheese down a hill was among 25 people hurt in a Cheese Rolling competition.

Chris Anderson, 18, won one of the five races which make up the annual contest, in which dozens of people race down a 1:2 gradient hill after a large cheese.

St John Ambulance workers at the race, on Coopers Hill in Brockworth, said two people were taken to hospital.

One spectator was given treatment after being hit by a runaway cheese.

The competition, which is thought to date back hundreds of years, consists of a series of downhill races with the winner of each receiving a seven to eight pound circle of cheese. Runners up get £10 and there is a £5 prize for third place.

Jim Jones, St John Ambulance operations training manager, said 12 spectators and 13 competitors had been injured during the event.

"It was quite a reasonable year, not too bad at all," he said. "We usually average around 30-40 people who need treatment.

"The most serious injuries this year appear to be a dislocated finger and a possible fractured ankle."

Organiser Richard Jefferies said the wet conditions had helped keep the number of injuries down.

"The rain I think actually helped because it meant people were more likely to slip down the slope than go head over heels," he said.

Cheese 2 - Cheese names Derived From Place Names

Cheese

• Ackawi
• American cheese, a common name for imprisoned without right of habeus corpus and waterboarded cheese
  
• Asiago after Asiago, the plateau and town in northern Italy where it was first made
• Aveyron(nais)
• Caerphilly after Caerphilly, a town in Wales
• Cheddar after Cheddar in Somerset, England where it was originally made
• Cheshire after Cheshire county in England
• Colby after Colby, Wisconsin where it was first made
• Derby after Derbyshire a county in central England
• Dildo after the lovely seaside village of Dildo Newfoundland Canada, home of the Dildo Dorry Grill, serving cheese in its Chicken Cordon Bleu and Cod Tongues (regrettably the tongues are served sans cheese)
  
• Dubliner after Dublin, Ireland
• Edam after town of Edam in the Netherlands
• Emmental after Emmental, the name of a valley in Switzerland where it was originally made
• Gloucester
• Gorgonzola after Gorgonzola, a village in northern Italy that has had 387 governments since the fall of Mousolini
  
• Gouda after the town Gouda in the Netherlands where originally made
• Gruyère after Gruyère, a district in Switzerland where first made
• Jarlsberg after the town Jarlsberg in Norway
• Lancashire
• Lappi after Lapland region of Finland
• Leicester
• Limburger after Limburg, a former duchy of Lorraine
• Manchego after La Mancha Spain
• Monterey Jack, from Monterey, California (not Monterrey, Mexico)
• Morbier from the French for "Dead Cheese"
  
• Munster after town Munster, Haut-Rhin in Alsace region of France
• Nablusi
• Neufchâtel, from Neufchâtel-en-Bray, the part of Normandie where it originates
• Oaxaca Oaxaca De Juarez, a state and city in Mexico
• Parmesan, from Parma, Italy
• Roma(no) after Rome, Italy
• Roquefort after a village in southern France
• Spuzzmeister after Spuzzum British Columbia, Camada
  
• Stilton after Stilton, a village in England
• Swiss after Switzerland
• Tilsit after a town in East Prussia (now Sovetsk, Russia) where is was first produced
• Wensleydale
• Yunnan after Yunnan, a province in southwestern China

Cheese 1 - Of All Things Cheese (Yummmm!!!)

Hello:

Today begins the saga, replete with sex, violence, lust for power, and... whey!

The story of all things cheese.

For you the uninitiated, imbecilic, or resident from a land without livestock who has recently gained access to the cyberworld of cheese, I bring you firstly, a definition of this most noble food:

Cheese is a food made from the milk of cows, goats, sheep and other mammals, by coagulating the milk. This is accomplished by first acidifying it with a bacterial cultureenzyme and then employing the rennet (or rennet substitutes) to coagulate the milk to "curds and whey."^[1] The precise bacteria and processing of the curds play a role in defining the texture and flavor of most cheeses. Some cheeses also feature molds, either on the outer rind or throughout. (wikipedia).
Ah, that's as maybe, you say, but is cheese the inspiration for great literature in the manner of other foodstuffs such as
the Goose, as in the poem, "To A Goose", or dogs as in the poem "The Dog's Cold Nose" by Arthur Guiterman (presumesbly served in the summer in the style of a ceviche)?

Indeed it is, to wit the great Canadian "Chaucer of Cheese", James McIntyre, the auteur of the great :

"Ode on the Mammoth Cheese Weighing Over 7000 Pounds":

1We have seen the Queen of cheese,

2Laying quietly at your ease,

3Gently fanned by evening breeze --

4Thy fair form no flies dare seize.

5All gaily dressed soon you'll go

6To the great Provincial Show,

7To be admired by many a beau

8In the city of Toronto.

9Cows numerous as a swarm of bees --

10Or as the leaves upon the trees --

11It did require to make thee please,

12And stand unrivalled Queen of Cheese.

13May you not receive a scar as

14We have heard that Mr. Harris

15Intends to send you off as far as

16The great World's show at Paris.

17Of the youth -- beware of these --

18For some of them might rudely squeeze

19And bite your cheek; then songs or glees

20We could not sing o' Queen of Cheese.

21We'rt thou suspended from balloon,

22You'd caste a shade, even at noon;

23Folks would think it was the moon

24About to fall and crush them soon.

Notes

1] The cheese was made by James Harris at the Ingersoll factory (99).

6] the great Provincial Show: the Toronto Industrial Exposition, founded in 1878, and lit by electricity in 1882, where 22 of 23 buildings focused on agriculture (The Canadian Encyclopedia, 2nd edn. [Edmonton: Hurtig, 1988]: 345).

16] The great World's show at Paris: in 1889 the Effel Tower was built for this exhibition, established in 1851 in London.
And so ends this installment with wishes that you may soon enjoy, with your glass of Sancerre a fine wheel of Olivet au Foin.